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the portrayal of toxic relationship (and why no one deserves to be in it)

i expected yellow but you were addicted to blue. so i voluntarily turned myself into blue to the point where the pains didn’t affect me anymore. no color would look good on me besides blue. my emotions turned into a default. i was always sad. yellow was such a privilege that i never had since i fell for you. i became melancholic. i cried every time you slept while smothering my mouth so you would never hear. i worried you would think i was unhappy being with you. i worried you would overthink not being able to make me happy while in reality, i was not sure whether you would ever think so.

i asked you several times to take a whole body picture of me but you always told me that my whole body pictures wouldn’t look good because i was too chubby. i agreed. my body wasn’t beautiful. i stopped uploading them on social media. as it turned out, you were just insecure. you were so scared that people would look at me. you thought you were the only one who could ‘possess’ me. i had never felt good about my body since we began this relationship. i was always too self-conscious. my confidence was taken away. your words destroyed my self-esteem.

i was glucose intolerant but you still gave me chocolates even after i told you not to. i ended up vomiting hours after putting on the best smile while eating them in front of you. you never really cared; you never noticed. and i was always too scared to tell you. you would think that i didn’t appreciate you and your effort enough. i thought eating what you gave me would be the bare minimum i could do to appreciate you.

i expected intimacy but we barely ever talked about us. our conversation had always been filled with you, talking about you. i could do nothing. i knew you hated to be interrupted while talking. i did try to tell you what i thought but you seemed to hate listening to my opinions since you got angry that one time. i felt like my opinion was too offensive. so i decided just listen to you forever, if that could make you happy. my stories were too boring anyway.

i said stop. no. please don’t do it to me. i am begging you not to. you seemed confused because i had never said no before. not even once, not even to the worst of things. i felt really guilty. i felt like i had hurt you a lot. i saw the disappointment in your face. i hurt you so much by saying no. that day, i walked home with so many thoughts in my head. i will only say yes to him, i don’t want to disappoint him. once i got home, i kicked and threw every single thing i saw, cried, and laid down on the ground. i felt so guilty.

i was so used to you that i didn’t know what we had was toxic. i always thought i was the only one responsible for your happiness. i wasn’t happy. i was too focused on pleasing you. too scared to hurt you. too worried you wouldn’t love me as much as i did you. too busy to make you feel loved—but did i do everything because i loved you or did i do everything because i was scared of not being loved and ending up losing you? i was lost. i didn’t think i would be able to breathe if it weren’t with you. i didn’t think i would be able to go through life without your existence. i just didn’t know how.

it felt like i had to be stuck with you until the end.

to everyone who has experienced being in a toxic relationship or is currently in one, i believe you don’t deserve to be in this situation. no one deserves to be in it. ever. what the girl went through in writing above should not happen to anyone. the way she became too self-conscious about how she looked, the way she lost her confidence, the way she wasn’t able to say no. she was a victim. that is what a toxic relationship does to you. you will be forced to be with someone selfish who never validates your feelings, let alone appreciates and loves you as you deserve. toxic relationships will always lead you to think you are not enough, undeserving of love, and wonder if you are worthy. of course you are worthy. no one in this world should dictate what you should feel. your feelings are valid. you are allowed to say no. it would never be easy to decide to go away from someone you love no matter how much they have hurt you, but i encourage you to think about yourself first and try to leave the relationship so you will see the brighter days ahead. happiness awaits you. no relationships should make you feel less than what you really are. nothing should. the only right relationships are the ones that empower you to grow better and happier. hugs to everyone who has left or is still trying to get out of a toxic relationship. your strength is really out of this world. it must be really hard for you. i am so proud of you. you deserve all the love in this world. please remember that.

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