September is, supposedly, my month.
September is supposed to be my month. September is supposed to bring me joy. September is supposed to treat me better. September is supposed to be kinder to me.
September is not supposed to disappoint me.
September 2, 2022. I remember sitting on a long wooden bench in the food court of one of the hospitals in this city.
It was 4 a.m. in the morning. The cold nudged my skin, but I did not feel cold. My eyes were bleary, but I did not feel sleepy. Everything was all over the place, but I laughed it off.
It is only the second day. What happened?
Two days after that was my birthday. It was Sunday.
Away from my hometown, sleep deprived, social battery drained. I stayed on campus all day long.
I questioned my life decisions. It was my fault for choosing not to sleep the day before. It was my fault for being so impulsive. It was my fault for being a person who could hardly say no. It was my fault that everything did not go as expected. It was my fault that I disappointed a lot of people.
The next two days went alright, until I was suddenly disturbed by an uncomfortable feeling in my chest for some reason.
Two days passed without any hassle. Are you sure things will stay like this for a day — no — an hour from now?
I felt uncomfortable. I just felt scared of what might happen after all this placidity.
Something did happen, and I did not like how it was going.
–
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7… 20. It is already the 20th of September. Heaps of bizarreness had happened during this month, which is, supposedly, mine.
Looking back at it, I realized: This September was not kind to me.
This September was not kind to me, but this September makes me reflect. On a lot of things. This September wants me to decide. On a lot of things.
I have been pathetic these past few weeks, but somehow I am still here and typing this while listening to Fujii Kaze’s discography.
Somehow I got through the madness.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7… 20. It is already the 20th of September, but this month has not ended yet. Will I get through the rest of this September?
As I type this, I’m sipping a cup of two sachets of cappuccino to keep me awake, so I can continue doing my unfinished assignment that is due tomorrow morning.
I will.
p.s. this is a song for you
– September 20, 2022
Emily Trisnandi