i cannot be healed by any painkillers

i groaned, my heart aches

while hunching on the corner of the bed.

he was still on his phone, doing God knows what. 

i decided to give him the please-look-at-me-and-help-me stare.

he sighed and answered, still putting all his attention to the screen replying to messages, honestly if it hurts so much just go grab some painkillers.

he really told me that. i was speechless.

he had no clue the amount of pain and damage he inflicted on me, on my heart.

it was discourteous of him to think everything can be healed by some painkillers when the actual pain could last for ages.

but i just nodded, responding, yeah let me grab a pill.

i grabbed all of my belongings instead.

living with him had been excessively painful that i couldn’t stand it anymore.

i had never been so sure of my decision

but this one was the best.

leaving him at once.

he caused me so much pain

i shouldn’t have tried to endure

those sleepless nights spent thinking of ways to make this relationship work

those silent weeps because i was too afraid of waking him up after our endless fights

those letters i wrote every month which he never opened at all

those dishes i excitedly cooked hoping he’d like but apparently were always not cooked well

those i forgive you because i know you very well you will never do that again to me baby

those i love you which he rarely said back

and those waiting until dawn on the couch for him to come home but he apparently went out drinking with his friends and never called in advance,

turned out to be worthless.

i should have seen this happening a long time ago

i wish i had left sooner

i wish i had known that

i shouldn’t ask someone who caused me pain

to heal me because he was clueless

so clueless that he thought painkillers could heal when

only by deserting him could it happen.

so i did.