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hell will let us love (again)

i woke up finding myself not scared anymore. i used to freak out with the fact that i would push you away someday once i could not tolerate everything any longer and that people would think we were psychos meant to be in this relationship just to end up breaking hearts and one another. therefore, i did everything to bury every single flaw of ours in the deepest, far from the surface, away from people’s radar. i was just scared people would expect so much from our relationship, whereas we were just a complete mess, totally doomed, filled with only unfortunate events which shaped us to be a complete representation of disaster.

we never had a decent date without us ending up screaming, landing hands on each other’s skins, but then still cuddling anyway and covering the red marks from those unforgivable slaps with new marks from those lustful kisses. were those love? were we in love? was the way you told me every day spent together was meaningless your way to tell me that you loved me? it was certainly not. i forgot when was the last time you let out loving, caring, and heartwarming words coming from your mouth to calm me down and let your hands gently walk on me that invited butterflies to my stomach. i also forgot when was the last time i actually wanted to give you butterflies and embraced my love. we didn’t want each other to be happy; we kept hurting each other as if it was a whole competition which leads us to be the most competitive we could ever be. so, why did we still keep holding on as if we were each other’s world when we were actually each other’s nightmare? were we cursed and decided to call the curse as love?

i used to be afraid of letting these words get out of my chest and allowing the world to know how much i wished people would discover that you’re a monster which turned me to be one too, but now i am doing it. i don’t know whether i am actually still scared or decided to act like i don’t, but i am doing it. we both deserve to be in hell, but oh, to be there together won’t lead us to repeat the exact same story and we will start all over again cause we attract, bring the worst out of one another. no matter how much hatred and anger we have towards each other, don’t you think once we die and meet again, hell would welcome us because we both have hurt each other so much that we will not have another chance to create our happy ending so again, don’t you think hell would be the most perfect place for us to grow love once again and we are going to stick to each other forever. to be stuck with you forever? this idea freaks me out. i think i am not scared anymore. i was wrong. i was only right for one second. apparently, i will never wake up without fear anymore. i am scared.

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