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don’t let yourself stuck at the bus stop

i bet you are starting to ask questions about what is happening.

why am i very late today. why does it suddenly feel as if i leave you so quickly after i made you wait every day because i intentionally decided to come late every time. you are also starting to wonder what do the dates we went to, places we came to, and moments we shared even mean.

you may wonder. your mind is definitely all over the place. i see you are filled with nothing but confusion, sitting alone at the bus stop, waiting for me to wave from the window so that we can go on together, to places, to spend time together. i will not today. or ever again.

i can see from afar you kicking the air. your face shows that you will cry, but you firmly hold it because you hate being the center of attention. it has been three hours. shockingly, you are still waiting while left wondering where you did wrong, nothing. it was never you. it has always been me.

never for a second have i truly loved you.

it was always for a show; it was to fill in the void. to avoid being alone.

because i couldn’t stand you looking at me with those sparkling eyes or maybe because i found you cute once, that one time you looked like a puddle i wanted to have, but my mother would not let me to; it was never love. instead, it was a pity. god, i sound cruel, and i know i am. i can’t force myself to act as if what we had was love. i never meant anything i said, but for once, i will; you deserve anyone but me who will genuinely find you cute. not just once. but never not. how could be you be so dumb and clueless? god, how could you trust those smiles, laughs, and giggles? haven’t you ever noticed how i always stopped before i landed my hands to play with your hair? do you really have no idea why i stopped? don’t you have any idea why the words i love you sounded too empty every time they escaped from my mouth? it is unbelievable how much you have trusted me. those nights when i wanted to go home with the most ridiculous reasons, to avoid getting ended up in bed with you. did you really trust me, the entire time? oh, you really are always so oblivious about everything between us. why. how is it that you are the most clueless person to ever exist?

now, i’m going to go for real, no looking back, no more of me waving from inside the bus, sending the brightest smile with nothing behind it.

i used to stop, took you on a ride that we called relationship.

i won’t anymore. i am going away, leaving you. not going to stop and pick you up again. god, it hurts watching you suffer; why do i feel guilty? i shouldn’t. i know this wasn’t love. i should leave. no regrets. we are not meant for each other anyway. you are too good for me, if not for the world. i know i owe you an explanation but there is no explanation if one can just hurt you more than without. oh, you even prepared a flower with you today, i just noticed. but i really have had enough. i can’t anymore. it will take you a hundred years more to forgive me once you realize i don’t come today, or ever, if i turn my back, run to you, and give us another shot. i won’t. i won’t. i won’t.

i wish you could hear me now; here, take your heart back it isn’t as how it used to and you can curse me for that. and leave the bus stop. it’s going to rain soon.

– i almost cried writing this i hope no one will ever treat you this way, love. or if any of you has experienced this where someone left you questioning, you deserve to move on!!! and go on with life peacefully. take your time< 3

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