card i cannot use

Tags: alternate universe-no magic. songfic. breakups. so many things are implied just press play and vibe with me okay. hurt no comfort. open ending (barely). 

I want you
I hold one card
That I can’t use
But I want you

The sound of the passenger door closing echoes as Sirius tightens his grip around the steering wheel. Silence rings loud in his ears even though the rough sound of large droplets of water against the car’s metal roof has been occupying his senses. He sighs and rests his head on his fists, staring at his lap. He can see his breath; they create small puffs of air inside the small air conditioned vehicle, the rounds of mist gradually become more vivid as he wills himself to even his composure. Sirius decides to use the remaining parts of his consciousness to count to ten.

You’re coming back
And it’s the end of the world
We’re starting over
And I love you darling
And I am done, dear

It started as quickly as it ended. Sirius genuinely cannot recollect what had provoked the fight in the first place—he recalls a pair of foggy glasses, a coat soaked at the shoulders, two wine glasses, a lighter—and the next thing he sees is the repetitive swipings of his windscreen wipers as they make a pathetic attempt of keeping his line of vision clear. Sirius lifts his head to stare blankly at a damp leaf stuck on the corner of his car window, still clutching the wheel as if his life depends on it. 

You’re in the house
And I am here in the car
‘Cause I just need a quiet place
Where I can scream
How I love you

He felt the opening and closing of his mouth, the strain of his throat, the pressure around his head as he screamed and screamed but he heard nothing coming out of him. From the corner of his eyes he saw the frantic movements of his arms, gesticulating at nothing in particular. The man sitting in front of him only stared back into his eyes with a look he had never seen before—hurt, confusion, disbelief, resentment. Sirius noticed how white the man’s knuckles had gotten from his tight grasp on a linen napkin and somehow, in the midst of the ringings in his ears, Sirius heard a small “Please drive me home.”

I found you
I found the door
But when I stepped through
There was no floor

“Ambitious” was what the general public always used to describe their relationship. It took, of course, a lot more than shallow gossip to trouble Sirius, as he had heard nastier words coming out of people related to him by blood. 

“The gall of this child-”
“Is he not aware of what is at stake-”
“This could merely be a phase, give him a year, tops.”

But when he felt warmth pressing against his back and around his middle—even through the thickness of his t-shirt and leather jacket—as he sped his motorcycle under the gentle rain, he decided not to care for it. At the time he felt like the whole world could fit on top of his bike, and he promised to cherish and protect the man sitting behind him forever. He spent the following and every second of his existence doing just that. 

So when Remus revealed his thinning emotional capacity to endure the sheer pressure of them, Sirius felt the world sinking and collapsing under him. 

I want you
I want you