am i beautiful or are you horny

i was completely into him.

i let him in all at once.

but unfortunately i was stupid, clueless, and confused.

i always loved it when those pretty slanting eyes looked at mine deeply,

followed by my favorite chuckles in the entire world.

everything was perfect until one day,

he wanted to see more.

i thought he wanted to know me more 

but instead, he wanted me to do things,

to do what he asked me to

and i did agree easily.

i didn’t know that i was being a mere object to him.

the word no wasn’t in my dictionary.

(or there was, but my mouth couldn’t say it because i was too scared those hands would land on my face, just like when i didn’t want to send a photo he wanted the other day.)

i had thought he wanted to know more of me.

so i told him my dreams, things i experienced growing up, my darkest secrets, how much i wanted him to witness me bloom, everything.

he didn’t care. 

he said,

will you shut up and just show me more cause you are beautiful but you’ll look more beautiful when you have nothing on your body.

the night he said that, i didn’t know which was worse, getting to hear what he just said or getting a slap on my face.

i asked him do you love me the way i do you and he answered of course i love you that way but i am done with you revealing things about your life it’s not a storytime. just be naked for me.

apparently he didn’t love me that way. he probably didn’t even love me at all. he just loved the idea of having someone to objectify. to find someone beautiful but only in the way naked women he saw in porns were.

     i was trembling. every single bone in my body wanted to believe this wasn’t happening. i thought he was different and everything would work out with him. as cliché as it sounded, i thought he was the one. i thought he was someone who would value me as much as i did him. 

am i beautiful or are you horny i asked, trying not to choke on the heartache.

both he said, but i’ll go with the second option for now.

i wasn’t an abusive person but he asked for it, a good-bye slap in the face, you don’t have the right to say that.

i left him right away, carrying so much pain. 

i had let him see me as a whole, bare, naked

because i showed him everything and gave him my soul

which never meant anything to him

at all.

 

 

P.S: to everyone who has experienced the same thing, i am so grateful you have survived. please remember you’re beautiful and worthy of love. your stories matter and no one can say otherwise. someday you’ll meet someone who sees you as a person instead of a mere object to fantasize over. for some who are still struggling with it right now, thank you for surviving. please remember that you matter so much. you don’t have to do what other people ask you to. please, the only person who can save yourself is you. go, beautiful. you deserve all the best things. you don’t wanna swim deeper in this pool and let someone get you drowned. let me remind you all that you are beautiful. you are more than just your body. you are loved.

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